i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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