im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
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