I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Randomize
