I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
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