He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
