her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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