I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
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