I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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