I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
