I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
