my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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