weddingsv make me drug and hornr
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
