it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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