I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Randomize
