ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
