Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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