I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Randomize
