I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
