I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
Randomize
