Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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