i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
