apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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