I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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