A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
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