I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Randomize
