wanna go halves on a baby?
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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