I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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