After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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