I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Randomize
