I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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