I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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