and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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