Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize