He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
