Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize