Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
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