Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
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