This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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