I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
He felt like a one man threesome
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Randomize
