I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
