Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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