I faked an abortion last night.
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
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