you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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