you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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