Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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