Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
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