Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Randomize
