I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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