My hand turned me down
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
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