I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Maybe he injected his testicle?
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
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