My first STD was from a foam party
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
