I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
