I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
