Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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