Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
im about as happy as oj after his trial
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
