something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
