He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Randomize
