I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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