I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
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