I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Randomize
